What England does to me

When my sister had Max, I told my parents they'd
better buy me a Macbook Pro or a puppy, otherwise
I'd start suffering from jealously and sibling rivalry.

They didn't get me either, so I kicked off.

I didn't, obviously, but recently I started doing some
thinking, about how my life didn't turn out quite as
spectacularly as I'd planned and all.

And how some tiny part of me still believes I might
one day get to grow up on a farm, or learn piano,
or start my own zoo.

So I've selected the three most tragic events of my
23 years, which I think are responsible for my failures.

Truely, this is as bad as my life has thus far got.

My ultimate dream, as it happens, was to own a dog
of my own. As a kid, I really believed that if I was
allowed a dog, my entire life would simply fall into
place. I'd be happy and willing to succeed, because
this simple dream had been granted.

And after much begging and pleading, my wish was
granted! Enter Ella, yellow labrador cross polar bear.

Thus begins life failure part one.

Despite mine and Ella's obvious disdain for each other,
despite the fact that she ripped all my clothes, chewed
on my arms and attacked my face, my parents would not
get rid of her.

Ella is still here, and although she no longer attacks me,
we have NEVER, in her 10 years, got along. For a long
time I went off animals, despite the fact that before this,
I dreamed of being a vet. If we'd never got Ella, that
might have happened.

Life failure part two is a tale of misplaced blame and
mean spirited adults.

When I was 10 I rode my sisters bike down the road. It
was too big for me but I was still going pretty fast. Some
stupid woman a few houses down pulled out of her drive,
at speed, and hit me. My sisters bike and I landed on the
bonnet with a pretty impressive bang.

The stupid woman, evidently full of concern, asked me
where I lived and walked beside me as I slowly, and with
difficulty, pushed the twisted bike home, blood pouring
out of my nose. I mean, she could of helped, right?

My mum cleaned up my blood, thanked the woman for
not killing me, and I was made to feel very bad indeed
for causing inconvenience to the poor witch. She hit ME.
A 10 year old! She didn't even look! Yet this has always,
somehow, been my fault.

The final reason I'm a failure involves the loss of loved
ones.

My ducks; Yellow and Grey. I had Yellow and Grey
from day one. I built an incubator out of a £5 propegater
from B&Q. I attached a light bulb and spent 30 long days
keeping the temperature and humidity perfect. And I
mean PERFECT. One degree off meant death.

Holding a hatching egg in your hand, one that you've
watched over for a month, is literally pretty cool.

Those ducks were my one major achievement, and
I loved them more than anything. They ruined our
garden, but they were mine and they were happy.

Then my parents decided to get an extension, and
having ducks in the garden was no longer allowed.

They went to live with some woman on a farm, and
I don't know how long they lived. They could still
be there, for all I know. I think about my ducks
every day, and I want them back.


I'm actually not a mentalist, I'm just bored.

Max

I have a nephew! He is called Max.

I haven't met him yet, because he only got born
last night. I'm quite excited though, I sure hope
he likes me.

My laptop, which went into a coma in Cambodia,
has been officially pronounced dead. It's the
motherboard, so that means I get to buy a new one!

New baby, new laptop. I don't know which I'm
looking forward to the most.

Blahh

Hello.

I'm getting really rubbish at this blog thing, mainly
because I'm home now and nothing happens anymore.

I got home last week. On Saturday. I don't particularly
want to be home, but I do want to be here when my
sister has a baby, which will be any day now.

Since my last blog Will and I spent 9 days in Siem Reap,
Cambodia. Seriously, never spend that long in SR. The
temples were nice and everything, but what else is there
to do? Nothing, is the answer to that.

Apart from visit a floating village, get ripped off and buy
tonnes of crap in the markets.

But I saw Angkor Wat, so I'm happy.

Then we spent about 4 nights in Kuala Lumpur. We stayed
in China Town, which is meant to be the cheapest area.
Although in the end we payed a load of money for a nice
hotel because the rest were disgusting. We forked out
18 quid a night for the pleasure of not getting bed bugs.

We met up with Graham, from Samui, one night, and had
Chinese food and lots of expensive drinks until we got thrown
out of the bar.

Other stuff happened. Then I got on an aeroplane which would
drop me off at Stansted 13 hours later.

Will stayed.

I do miss being away. I miss seeing new things.

Kirsten and I have booked a holiday to Rhodes for the
16th September. Plus me and dad are going to maybe
spend a week walking Hadrien's Wall. It's 89 miles long!

Plus I may be going to Italy in October.

So things aren't totally shitty. What's with this English
summer though. I have to wear a coat when I go out!

And SHOES. I hate shoes!

In case you were wondering

I figured I'd write a blog entry today. It's Thursday, just
in case you were wondering.

Tomorrow morning Will and I are back on the move. We
were meant to be off today but on account of us winning
the pub quiz last night and drinking too much, we asked
Mr T, our landlord, if we could have the house one more
day.

So we're still here. I do not want to leave. At all. I love this
place. Samui, that is. In case you were wondering.

I'll be back though. For sure. Just you wait and see.

So last night we said good bye to the people we have come to
think of as our friends.

Big hugs all round. It made me feel sad. We promised we'd be
back. But probably not together. This is rubbish on a couple of
levels, but the most important one is that I cannot win the pub
quiz without Will.

We won 1300 baht. It sounds a lot, doesn't it.

On this exact day 12 months ago, I was 2 days into a TEFL
course in Chiang Mai.

I had been in Thailand for about 5 days. I wasn't sure if
I liked it. It was too hot and there were packs of dogs
running around the streets. I was convinced I'd get rabies,
or that I'd get trampled by a water buffalo, which, in case
you were wondering, are walked around on leashes like your
regular cocker spaniel.

Going anywhere on your own for the first time is pretty scary.
I mean, I didn't even go away for university. Literally the first time
I ever leave home and I have to choose Asia.

So that was 12 months ago.

I've forgotten my point. But look, the point is, I take being here
for granted. I make myself sick.

I spend my days on palm-fringed beaches, swimming in the ocean,
getting massages, eating good food and reading books.

We don't bother watching the sunsets anymore. I mean, why the
hell don't we watch the sunsets anymore? They're beautiful.

This whole place is beautiful, but we don't see it. Well not everyday,
anyway. But we should. Right?

I was going to just write an entry about what we've been upto
these last couple of months. So I'll do that.

We got to Bangkok, then we went to Koh Chang, which we didn't
really like a whole bunch. It rained tonnes.

So we went back to Bangkok, then took the train upto Ayutthaya.
We spent a night there, and took another train to Lopburi.
Lopburi has zillions of monkeys running round. It was lots of fun.

Then we came back to Samui, obviously.

My sister is having a baby. At the beginning of August, in
case you were wondering. So I'm going home, to be an auntie.

I have a flight booked from Kuala Lumpur on the 25th July.

It cost me 190 English Pounds. That's very cheap, although
clearly I'm not in Kuala Lumpur, which poses a problem.

So tomorrow, Will and I are making our way to Bangkok via
ferry, bus, train, taxi, and any other form of transport they
see fit to delay us with.

(I have organised the whole thing around Chatuchak market;
this place sells everything. I mean everything.
Puppies. Dresses. Everything.)

Then on Monday we're going to Cambodia. Siem Reap.
Basically because I refuse to leave without seeing Angkor
Wat. Then to Kuala Lumpur. Then London.

End of chapter!

p.s. I can go to sleep on the back of a motorbike. I did so last
night, just incase you were wondering.

28 States Later - Grand Canyon & Vegas

On Monday, Leon, Will and I went on a final roadtrip to
Las Vegas, making Nevada our 28th state.

We set off late afternoon, after running into all sorts of
problems picking up our passports from the Thai embassy,
and paying our $8000 into my HSBC accout. You know, the
world's local bank. Yeah right.

In HSBC there was a man with a parrot on his shoulder...
only in LA.

So off we went, driving through endless blackness that we
knew was nothing but desert. I'm glad we hit Las Vegas at
night; the first thing I saw was a thin shaft of light punctuating
the skyline and disappearing into the clouds; this was Luxor,
the casino that was also an Egyptian pyramid, complete with
sphynx.



















Las Vegas is crazy. We were staying at Excaliber. A castle!
It was the most exciting hotel experience of my life. It cost
us only 35 dollars for the night! We got showers and went
gambling.














Well, we went on the 1c machines. Gambling makes me
nervous. We wandered up and down the strip, into
New York New York, MGM Grand and Planet Hollywood.

Mainly I liked being outside, looking at all the pretty lights
and big buildings.














But most of all, I liked the whore cards
that littered the floor. Like baseball cards for hookers.
Leon and I traded. My favourite was Flower; she was
wholesome looking.

I played Roulette, which is the only thing I figured I'd be
likely to win on.

I played $10 on either Even, Odd, Black or Red. I like to
live dangerously.

My tactic won me $60, but Will made me gamble it away.
I think he might have a problem.














So anyways, we went to bed at sometime in the AM, in our
castle.

Next morning, Leon suggested we push on for the Grand
Canyon. This had been the original plan for our roadtrip,
but 8 hours drive each way seemed like way too much when
we had a flight to catch the next day.

Being in Las Vegas put us 4 hours nearer. We drove to
Grand Canyon's south rim, stopping for pictures of Hoover
Dam on the way.














By the time we got there, Leon was ready to drop.

Will and I went off the see the Canyon while Leon got some
sleep in the car.

Grand Canyon is awesome. I really didn't know what to
expect. Part of me was worried that it would look similar
to Painted Desert, and that I wouldn't be blown away by it.
But I was!














It's huge. The biggest hole I ever saw! People actually go
down there on mules and camp the night. One day, I'll do
that. It looks like fun.














I've no idea what to write about Grand Canyon. Just like,
go see it yourself.














After a couple of hours getting cooked by the sun, we started
the long journey home. I took over the driving for an hour or
so, letting Leon get some sleep. I was paranoid about getting
pulled, seeing as Leon had been stopped FOUR times on the
way there. So we switched back over and about 10 minutes
later he was pulled again. Phew.

We swapped again about 100 miles from LA, and I drove
us back to Hollywood, and bed.

This afternoon we leave LA for Bangkok!

Sold!

Still sitting in the Thai cafe yesterday afternoon, we heard
a familiar voice shout,

YO TEAM MEMBERS!

Leon was back!

We shared travel stories until a young couple arrived who
wanted to test drive the van, so all 5 of us piled in and I
drove us up the freeway, trying to convince them that this
was the RV for them.

Well, it almost definitely wasn't the RV for them, seeing as
they never phoned us back.

We probably scared them off with the $6500 we had asked
from them anyway!

So we moved back into Leon's house, obviously. Us guys are
his family now!

Finally, we could relax. Forget the fact that we had less than
one week to sell the RV, we were back home in Hollywood!

Anyways, last night we got an e-mail from some guy called
Johnny.

He told us all about his ancestry, and seemed to feel a bond
with us on account of his great-grandfather being English,
or something.

He told us he wanted to turn our RV into a mobile editing
suite, which would have sounded super cool if it wasn't for
the fact he came across like a serial killer.

He was a total eccentric, and each e-mail made us more suspicious
of his intentions.

By this morning, he had basically told us that, without a doubt,
he wanted our home.

He asked us to drive it out to the San Fernando Valley for him,
which was fine for us seeing as he offered to pre-pay for a cab
home.

Not wanting to get our hopes up too much, we took the van
along to George. We met George on Wednesday after deciding
we really needed to get the damage at the back sorted if we
wanted to get anywhere near our asking price.

He told us to bring her back on Saturday, and he would fix it for
us.

So that's what we did. George spent an hour hammering away
at our lovely home.

He did an awesome job. He completely bent the bumper back
in to shape and covered the rest of the damage with a plate.

Basically, he hid it. Which was exactly what we wanted.

His charge? Nothing. Nada. He wouldn't take a tip or even let
us buy him a beer as he's a Mormon.

We headed out to the San Fernando Valley, taking Leon along
for protection! Arriving at Johnny's house, we were faced by his
posse of servants, or friends, or neighbours, or prisoners, for all
we knew.

There was a single chicken running around his suburban garden.
Leon described the chicken as having 'the demeanour of a dog'.
I couldn't see it myself.

One went inside to fetch Johnny, who appeared with an envelope
stuffed with cash. He invited us in to 'close the deal' before even
looking at the van. We insisted he take a look inside, which he did,
briefly, telling us she was 'exactly what he wanted'.

So we headed into his house. This guy obviously had money. The
house was pretty damned nice.

There was a white board in this kitchen which declared 'You
cannot teach someone rehabilitation, it has to come from within'.

This, we later decided, must be for the benefit of Kelly, one of
Johnny's hangers-onners, who looked a lot like a criminal.

We sat down to sign the vehicle over to him, but not before he
showed us ancient photographs of his family. He expects to visit
us when we're back in the UK. His new British friends. As Leon so
delicately put it, it was really difficult not to make fun of him to
his face.

In return, he gave us $8000.














That's a $4800 profit.

HAHAHA.

Stuck in LA

Since getting back to Hollywood on Tuesday, Will and I
have been spending every waking hour in our favourite
Thai cafe on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont.

It's only our fave because they have free wifi. We've listed
the RV on Craigslist, Ebay, and approximately 400 other
LA classified websites. We have a couple of leads. None look
brilliant.

We've had a few people come to see it. None of them seem
like they'll buy. We get more interest in the carpark outside
the Thai place.

We're having to consider what we'll do if we don't sell it. We
mentioned it to Will when we went out with him and Audie
for Big Wangs and ping pong last night. He seemed to think
he'd be able to take over when we leave, showing people
round.

We might have to sell it for much less than we hoped.

Last week I ignored my flight back to London. I hope they
don't hold that stuff on record!

We've decided to go back to Thailand for an extended
holiday! This is has meant a number of trips to the Thai
embassy. We finally got it sorted today, and have left
our passports with them while they do our tourist visas,
which will give us 4 months there. Which we probably
won't need anyway!

Busy busy busy.